Ditch the ‘Good Job!’ and Try This for More Confident Kids
As caregivers, we all want the children in our lives to grow up feeling confident, happy, and full of self-esteem. We want them to feel proud of themselves just as much as we are proud of them! But the real question is: how do we communicate our admiration and pride in a way that actually inspires children to want to keep growing and improving?
Most of us would think that simply showing our delight in their accomplishments is enough. And while there’s no doubt that children appreciate hearing about their achievements, sometimes, the way we express our praise can be interpreted differently than we intend. What we truly want is to encourage them in a way that keeps them intrinsically motivated to keep going and doing their best.
This brings us to an important distinction: encouragement vs praise. While they might sound similar, they’re actually two very different approaches.
What’s the Difference Between Praise and Encouragement?
Praise is all about focusing on the end result, often offering subjective judgments or vague compliments. Think of phrases like: “Good job!” “You’re so smart!” “What a perfect drawing!” or “I’m proud of you for making that!” These are all statements of praise, but here’s the catch: they don’t always convey the deeper message we’re trying to send.
Now, you might be thinking, “But those are perfectly nice things to say! Kids love hearing that stuff!” And you're right—children definitely enjoy receiving praise. It feels good to be validated and recognized, so what's the problem with a little “Good job” here and there?
The problem with praise is that it can create dependency. Kids start to feel that their value or our approval is tied to their achievements. So, they may push themselves to complete tasks just to earn that praise or validation. The issue arises when praise is taken away, or if they don’t get the “reward” they were expecting. That’s when kids might start feeling discouraged or believe they’ve failed, even if the task itself was a success.
Praise can also foster competition. Siblings, for instance, might unknowingly try to outdo each other just to get more praise and attention from caregivers, which can create unnecessary rivalry.
Switching to Encouragement
So, how can we make sure we’re helping children feel proud in a way that’s healthy and constructive? Enter encouragement. Encouraging statements focus on effort, process, and specific observations of the work the child put in. These statements help build a child’s sense of accomplishment, not because they received external validation, but because they know they worked hard and put in effort.
Examples of encouraging phrases include:
“You worked so hard on that!”
“I love how many colors you used in your picture! Tell me more about it.”
“Wow, I can tell you stuck with that even when you were feeling frustrated. That’s amazing!”
Notice how encouraging statements shift the focus from "I like" or "I’m proud of you" (which may make a child feel like they need our approval) to "I notice" (which recognizes their hard work, focus, and effort). This small change helps children feel proud of themselves for their capabilities, not just the results.
Why Does Encouragement Work?
Encouraging statements promote self-pride that’s intrinsic—meaning it comes from within, not from the outside validation we provide. When children hear encouragement, they start to recognize and value their own effort and perseverance. This kind of feedback builds a growth mindset, helping them to feel empowered to try again, even when things don’t go perfectly.
So, next time a child hands you a beautiful drawing or finishes a task they’ve been working on, instead of defaulting to the typical praise (“Good job!”), try using an encouraging statement. You’ll help them feel intrinsically proud of their efforts, and that’s something they’ll carry with them far beyond their current accomplishments.