Bribery: The Quick Fix That Doesn’t Fix Much
How many of you have been there? You’ve asked your child to do something for the 100th time, and after a little (or a lot) of back-and-forth, you find yourself saying, “If you do it, I’ll give you a cookie!” Sound familiar? You’re definitely not alone. Bribing is something many parents do to get through a power struggle, hoping to divert the attention to something shiny and exciting!
For many of us, it can become a bit of a routine—getting our kids to do what we need them to do in exchange for a sweet treat or a fun incentive. But here's the thing: Bribing doesn’t actually solve much. It ends up reinforcing the exact behavior we’re trying to steer away from. Instead of learning to do things out of responsibility or intrinsic motivation, kids start to associate tasks with rewards, which isn’t ideal for their long-term development.
Why Bribery Backfires
The real problem with bribing is that it teaches kids that if they act out or resist, they get exactly what they want. They may not clean their room unless they’re promised a toy, or they might throw a tantrum to get an extra snack. The more they do it, the more likely they are to think that acting out results in rewards.
What’s worse is that bribery interferes with intrinsic motivation, which is key to raising confident, capable kids. If your child is only completing a task because they want something in return, they miss out on the learning process and the self-esteem that comes from working towards something on their own.
Bribery can also hurt the relationship you want to cultivate with your child—one based on mutual respect. It teaches kids how to manipulate and control, which isn’t the kind of behavior we want to foster.
What Can We Do Instead?
So, if bribing isn’t the answer, what can we do to encourage positive behavior without undermining our child’s development? The solution is creating cycles of positive reinforcement and respect. Here’s how:
Encourage Them to Feel Capable Confidence is key. We want our children to believe that they can handle challenges and succeed on their own. One way to help them feel capable is by using encouraging statements instead of focusing on rewards. For example, instead of saying, “If you clean your room, I’ll give you a treat,” you can say, “I love how focused you were while cleaning your room! You really took the time to organize everything.” This builds confidence and fosters a sense of accomplishment.
Give Up Some Control This one can be tough, but it’s so important. Kids need room to make their own choices and experience the natural consequences of those choices. If your toddler skips breakfast, they may feel hungry until lunchtime. If your child doesn’t want to go to soccer practice, they may not start in the next game. By allowing them to make decisions, even small ones, we help them understand responsibility and the reality of their actions.
Reward Genuine Effort (When It’s Earned) Rewards don’t have to be all bad! The key is offering genuine appreciation for their effort—not bribing them to do something. For example, if your child goes above and beyond with their chores, you can say, “I really appreciate all the hard work you put into cleaning the house. You’ve done something really kind for me. How about we bake some brownies together to celebrate?” This shows that you value their effort and care, but it’s not tied to an immediate reward that they were working for.
Bribing may seem like the easy solution in the moment, but it can create long-term habits that don't serve our children well. Instead, try building their confidence, giving them control, and rewarding genuine effort. Over time, this will help them develop intrinsic motivation that will benefit them for years to come.